Well, this ultimate season is finally over.
The season is over, and I find myself struggling with how I feel about it. It's been a great season for the team, losing only six games the entire season, and winning Nationals: a season doesn't get much better than that.
But, it's been a not-so-great season for me. I'm struggling with injuries, my ankle at Labor Day, my back at Grub. I'm struggling with teammates, some I don't like, others whose style of play is the antithesis of our proposed team personality. I'm struggling with a marked lack of confidence caused by the injuries preventing me from maintaining the fitness and skill levels needed to participate fully in our games.
That one is the worst: the lack of confidence. It adversely affects every aspect of my game, from cutting to throwing to defense.
Part of me wants to be done with the sport, find another sport and move on. That part of me is tired of certain personalities on the team, and wonders if my thoughts of quitting ultimate entirely come from not having fun playing with ththose personalities.
Part of me wants to go out on top. I didn't fully participate at Nationals, but I'm on the team that did, and I contributed to that team's success at practice, and early tournaments before the injuries, and organizationally after the injuries.
The bigger part, however, wants to keep playing. That's the part that wants to see if I can double my current vertical jump, if I can learn to throw a baseball sidearm to help my forehand throw, if I can run consistently during the off-season, if I can throw enough to be confident, if I can learn to pivot with Kris-like effectiveness on my fakes.
That's the part that doesn't want to give up on the easy fitness that comes with ultimate, the part that screams, I'm not done yet!
I've talked to Kris about finding a mid-level team where I can be a big fish in a small pond, where I do need to be the go-to person, see if that will help my confidence, as the increased fitness and consistent throwing will.
Yet, I'm not sure. I do know this: I don't want another half-assed year. And there are personalities on the team that I don't want to play with next season. Negatives shouldn't necessarily be a guiding force in decision making, but they can give nudges, I guess.
We'll see. This season just ended. I have lots of time to figure this out.