a newer one »Bellaboo

Recovery mode


The day after a migraine is always rough. No, no, that's not quite correct. The DAYS after a migraine are always rough. This last one yesterday was rough (that's two for the year, nominally five months apart, this is a good trend compared to previous years), as it was different than my usual ones, and far more painful to add insult to injury. I was at my "standing desk" (read: empty bookcase in the living room where I stand up, as it's the perfect height), typing on some email, when I realized I couldn't see the bottom of the screen. I looked down, I couldn't see my hands.

Usually when I have a migraine, there's a spot in my vision that is gone. Not a spot that's black or a spot that's white, it's a spot that is just gone. I don't see it, and I don't know that I don't see it. When I describe that to people, they don't quite understand, "So it's a white spot?" "No." "So, it's black?" "No." "Grey?" "No, it just isn't there." Think about it this way: what color is the vision beyond your peripheral? What color do you see straight behind you?

You don't. You don't see that color because it isn't color, it's outside your vision. You don't see it, but in this case you know you don't see it. You can't tell me what color it is, though, as it isn't a color, it's just not there.

Same thing with that spot. It's not a color, it just isn't there.

I usually figure out it's not there because the surrounding details don't make sense: an odd word, a missing eye, a smaller field of vision.

That last one is key.

When my vision field is reduced, the rest of my vision comes into sharper focus, with more brilliant colours. It's kinda neat, actually, how intense the rest of my vision becomes, though, really, as a precursor for what's to come, the excitement of the amazing vision wears off really fast.

In one of my typical migraines, that spot increases in size, becomes an arc, that arc separates to become a horn shape, then expands to fill my vision, and I'm lost: my vision is gone, and all I can do is ride it out, wait for my vision to clear in 20 minutes, an hour, a day, I never know how long it'll take.

So, yeah, the auras yesterday were different. It was a blindness sweep from the bottom of my vision around the left side to the top, and was gone. About two hours in, I saw a remnant of a horn, but the headache was bad enough that just noticing it was an impressive feat.

The numbness in my hands will start at my fingertips and move up my arm into my chest and face, and the nausea soon after. I say numbness, but yesterday, I paid attention to it, to figure out if yes, it is numbness or not. For my face, yes, it was indeed numbness, just as with a dentist. Nothing moved correctly, nothing felt right, or really felt at all.

With my hands, though, it wasn't exactly numbness. It was pressure on my hands, not quite like a buzzing, but something close. Not pinpricks, but still small constant pressure. I'll probably pay more attention to it next time.

Today, everything is FUCKING BRIGHT. I'm wearing sunglasses, but it's too bright outside.

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