Monkey on My Back

Chase has been ill for the last three days. He hasn't eaten since Saturday morning, had a fever Saturday night, and hasn't pooped on his walks since Saturday morning. I offered to take him to the vet today, since I watch him on Monday nights and noticed how he wasn't eating, wasn't pooping, and wasn't *shock* chasing the squirrels. The first vet appointment was at 10, which is also when I have a standing "prior engagement" so I cancelled my attendance and took the dog to the vet.

The vet doesn't know what's wrong with him, nothing obvious was wrong. He wasn't tender to the touch in the abdomen. Nothing was swollen. Nothing was red. He doesn't have a fever (anymore). He has no energy, unsurprising: I'm low-energy after not eating for 3 days, too. I sent him off for bloodwork and x-rays, and went back to working on the project I'm trying to finish by the weekend. After a bit, the vet called, told me I could pick him up, he was done with the x-rays, nothing obvious wrong, no blockages in his intestines (lots of gas, though). Of course. Such a beagle.

So, I went to pick him up from the vet, drop him off at the house, and immediately hustle off to the project I'm working on. I looked at my list of errands, my list of things I needed to do to be healthy, my list of things I had been leaving undone as I worked on this project. All of them had taken a back seat to the project I'm working on.

Just as with any job, any client work, I was deprioritizing my needs against the needs of the job. I was putting the work before my self.

I'm not the only one who does this. At the E4E conference this year, Jonathan and I were talking to Justin Searls about how when he was on a business trip, at the end of the business part, he felt compelled to rush back to work, even though he had travelled tens of thousands of miles and tens of hours to travel to where he was, always with that monkey on his back. He had to consciously choose to stay a few days, relax, and enjoy the new environment.

I know that monkey. I know that urge to do better, more, faster. I understand that deep seated belief that if I work harder and longer, that I'll be rewarded, even though I know, I KNOW, that monkey on my back is a delusion, that that belief in working hard and I'll be rewarded even though I'm not working on the right things or for the right people or at the right time is a lie, that my biggest regret in life is not going to be not working hard enough but rather not working so so much. I know these things and STILL I was heading straight to doing work for someone else.

I recalled the conversation with Justin and Jonathan as I started driving to the office. I recalled that I'm awful at taking care of myself sometimes. I recalled my health, and changed directions. I picked up my mail, hadn't done that in weeks. I picked up a prescription refill that needed refilling, hadn't done that in weeks. I picked up a healthy meal, instead of having the boxes of Girl Scout cookies I have stashed in various places, one in my bookbag. I spent an hour taking care of myself.

Yes, that monkey is still on my back. It whispers sweet nothings into my ears, my dreams. It has me subjugating my needs for someone else's profit.

I know this, and the more I remember it, the more I'm likely to stop rushing to work on the next thing. Time to start muzzling the little fucker.