Okay, I figured it out, I figured out what I'm giving up for Lent this year.
Yep, giving up being lazy.
Here's what I'm thinking. Depression is hard to shake. You KNOW what you need to do to move through it and arrive at the other side, but just... can't... do... it. And so you stay there. Exercise is one of those depression shakers. As is doing (something, anything, just start moving forward). Both of these require not being lazy.
Yes, yes, I know. Depression is not the same as being lazy. I know this. I understand how rising from bed some days is a f--king victory. I understand. I also know I need to shake this one, so work with me here, ignore the poor choice of words.
Routines really help you keep going when depression hits. So do thought-out rules: actions and restrictions that make sense, and prevent you from falling too far into the abyss. For example, I have a rule that I can listen to an audiobook, as long as I'm doing another activity such as running, walking, cleaning, folding clothes, bathing the dog, and other non-mental-taxing activities. That's a big one for me. When I break that rule, red flags and sirens go off in my head, DANGER WILL ROBINSON DANGER, and checking in with myself is very very important at that moment.
Routines, rules, and all that, they go only so far. They haven't gone far enough with this Dark.
And along comes Lent.
So, not being lazy. Those moments when I'm relaxing not for self-care, but for laziness, gone. Those moments when I want to play 10x10, I'll pick up my outline and keep writing. Those moments when I have 15 minutes before the next activity, ponder the serverless perpetual-motion community site I might have a chance to build. Those nights when I look at my step counter and it's only 9600 steps, I'll get up and walk those remaining 2400 steps, instead of thinking, eh, 9600 is close enough.
At this moment, this is the perfect thing to give up for Lent. And close to the hardest thing I'll be able to give up. I'm a day late starting, but day two is done.
And this hot chocolate is delicious.