Writing

I know that there are many ways to process grief. I'll tell you what, though, ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist, as in running away from it, really is the worst way to process it. Said running doesn't work, as it isn't actually processing the grief. Being in a situation that doesn't allow the processing of grief, followed by piling on more pain and grief, is one of those surefire ways of developing complicated grief, the kind that just f'ing lingers forever. And ever. Don't do that. No really, don't do that. Even if you can't avoid it, don't do that.

Claire has been amazing at helping me find ways to deal with my grief. Dena has also been amazingly supportive. The internet has various suggestions on what to do with the grief, "Let yourself feel it," "Go ahead and cry," "Find help," the usual. My fave so far is, "Be gentle with yourself." Good lord, how many times have THOSE words come out my mouth to someone else? Yeah.

What I was not expecting , however, was for writing to be a healing process. I was not expecting that it would ground me and let me process my grief in the way that it has. In the speed that it has. I had somehow forgotten about how the flow I manage when reading, the different flow I have when writing, and the other flow when editing, are all calming to my brain.

For the last month or so, when I've become agitated or anxious and have time (and sometimes when a coworker pushes me, "You have 30 minutes. Can't you just go for a run or something?"), I've been going for a run. The run around the block is about 2 miles. I've been trying cadence runs at 160 steps per minute, and zone 2 runs, just to be moving. Running has been helping, that's for sure. Sometimes the running isn't such a great idea, however, say, when I've started to injure myself from too much running too quickly. Or when I've already run twice in a day and really need to run again, but it is close to bedtime or even already dark outside. Is my fitness improving? No idea. My HR still goes to 165+ around mile 2, jogging or running. It won't go below 155 on any movement faster than a walk, so, no idea. Gosh, the number of blog posts I've "written" while running is uncountable, let me tell you.

I've tried the Huberman Lab Journalling Protocol, too, in the four day version. Holy moly is that one overwhelmingly hard, and very, very effective. Recommended if you want to surface and get through some trauma fast. That's a different kind of writing from what I've been doing here, which is story-telling about my life.

But the writing in general, wow, that has been more helpful than I was expecting. By a lot. Time spent writing is time spent not doomscrolling. Or looking at his social medias. Or even just resisting looking at his social medias. Or wondering why she is looking at my website. Seriously, I cannot wait until I read this in 5 years and think, "Wait, who was the 'she' in that sentence?" because you know that is going happen. I've been rereading a bunch of my posts from decades ago (heh, I can say that!), and, wow, I do not remember who some of the people I was writing about were. How cathartic to be able to let those memories go and be happy that they are gone.

Also, more wow, and not wow, do we ever encounter the lessons again and again and again until we learn them.

Melissa Lines once asked me about my website when we were at her farm. She knew who I was before we arrived because she was reading my site, caught up on the previous couple months. "Why do you write on the web?" Because I want to remember my life. "But, why?" Why out here? It was a great question. Why write in public? Why show you are human? Why show you suck? You fail? You are an asshole unintentionally? Why show weakness? Why any of that?

I stopped writing here at much as a result, because it is a VERY GOOD QUESTION. Why write here where random people can comment, and TELL ME I AM WRONG in my own space (yeah, fuck you, said people, I'll just delete your comment unposted)?

IDK. Because I don't want to tell every friend the same story? Because I want friends and family to know what is going on as a pull, when it works for their time, instead of a push, Pay attention to me!? Because I want my mom to know what I'm doing without having a 2 hour call with her? (Hi, Mom! Love you lots! Call me!) Because this is the medium that works for me, and I really do not care if you know my bra size, that I am a dork, that I grow tired of you all telling me what I already know, that I'm grieving, or whatever else I've posted here.

What I do care about is healing. And not being an asshole (to you or to me). I want to be the energetic, bouncy, everything-is-amazing, I-am-excited-for-you person I used to be. I want to be the optimistic person Grue sees me as. I want to be the amazing person Wook sees me as. I want to be the person I used to be.

And writing all this down seems to be helping. Writing the stories that happened, the good and the bad, see my mistakes, understand them, and improve. Writing seems to be helping that.

Writing at 11:37 at night, maybe less so. But all of this is a surprise. And delight.