It is a Gift to Exist

There's an excerpt on TikTok of an Anderson Cooper interview with Stephen Colbert from 2019 where they talked about grief. The whole interview is worth watching, and available on YT.

In the interview, Cooper asks Colbert, “You told an interviewer that you have learned to, in your words, love the thing that I most wish had not happened. You went on to say what punishments of God are not gifts. Do you really believe that?”

Colbert answers, "Yes. It's a gift to exist. And with existence comes suffering."

Yes, and then explains what he means by this. Certainly the pain was terrible. Of course he would rather it not have happened. It had happened, just as terrible things happen to all of us. We endure, we keep going, we live with the pain, we are changed by it. Our existing means we suffer.

"What punishments of God are not really gifts."

The interview was from 2019. Anderson and Stephen talked about it again in 2022 on Cooper's podcast All There Is with Anderson Cooper, S1E2

I originally saw the tiktok excerpt a while ago, unsurprising as the interview and its sequel happened years ago, but had come across it again a few weeks ago. It happened in a moment of openness. The catch of Cooper's voice, the answer of yes, the recognition of suffering and grief, all of them hit me hard, goosebumps everywhere.

Over a decade ago, at Brooklyn Beta 2013, I heard John Maeda speak to the whole of us. He talked about his response when something goes wrong: "Oh, how fantastic!" He recognized, and preached, that every problem, every mishap, every setback is an opportunity to improve the process, the design, oneself.

I liked Maeda's sentiment, but not particularly his words.

Jonathan and I had grown into using, "Adventure!" as our shorthand when embracing the movie Up's "Adventure is out there!" The word morphed into the word I use upon exiting surprise, shock, or anger at some setback or injustice or problem or shitstorm, shorthand for "Yeah, this moment sucked, but, hey, we are still here, let's fix it, let's laugh about this in the future, and deal with this now."

Adventure!

Many of my friends have picked up on my response, and repeat it back to me, often with enthusiasm, even in difficult or dark moments. I love them for this.

For most people in this world, the monumental shifts in personality or outlook that happen in their lives are either unobservable as slow and subtle, or overwhelming as fast and hard. The latter are usually full of loss and grief and pain. We see those shifts.

My adopting Adventure! as a response was slow and subtle. It became a light in the dark, a chance for me to keep the flame of hope lit during my depression and denial of agency.

We don't usually have fast and subtle. We very rarely notice the subtle, slow or fast. And yet, I have this one.

My adopting, "It is a gift to exist" has arrived hard and fast. It has been the whisper when things are going well, and I want to remember the joy of the moment. It has been the gale force winds when things are going poorly, and I need to remember this moment so that I can be better next time.

I have a single tattoo. I got it to represent my "what I wish had not happened." I unbelievably wish the bad stuff had not happened, that I had made better choices. I would endure the bad stuff again for the good stuff, because the good stuff is and was that good.

That tattoo no longer represents the bad stuff. It is no longer a reminder to make better choices. It is a symbol of the good stuff, the love I found, the adventures we had, the laughs and joy we shared, the beauty in our mundane.

All of this is an adventure. It is a gift to experience this. All of this.

Update: Edited the Adventure section after Jonathan kindly reminded me of its origins. 8/11