I find it interesting that the single most motivating emotion I have is disappointment. Or rather, my fear of disappointing others.
Mini pointed this out to me recently (two, three months ago), and her words have been echoing in my head ever since. I don't want to disappoint Kris. I don't want to disappoint Mike. I don't want to disappoint this client or that client or the other client. I don't want my teammates to think less of me because I've lost that quick step and no longer can outrun anyone. I don't want to let anyone down.
I want to play to win, and not just not to lose, but I'm thus far unable to do so. And it's strange. Strange that I'll never be a Galt, that the most I can hope for is to be a Willers. That the biggest person I've disappointed is myself, but still worry more that I've disappointed others.
Why is that? Why is it that I can be outwardly confident, and seem to fool everyone around me? I fail to believe that those moments of confidence I feel, the times when the world is right and I can do anything, that those times are the exception and not the rule. I refuse to believe that this is it, and that I'm doomed to a life of mental cowering.
I cannot believe this is my destiny. I refuse it.
But don't know how to escape it.
